I'm so nervous, I'm vibrating, and I'm about to fly apart like a 1982 Yugo doing 75 on the interstate. At the Starbucks downstairs, I bought a "Calm" tea bag, succumbing to marketing. Crystal the Barrista said she's sold a lot of those today.

A guy from the Facilities department, while freeing a locked laptop that had been left in my cube without keys, mentioned that today there would be layoffs announced. But nobody else seems to be on pins and needles the way I am, so I'm left to wonder why I would assume this guy had access to special information.

I find the prospect of renewing my recruiter contacts tiring. I don't want to go back to contracting (read: temping), I don't want to be the new girl again, I don't want my manager to get laid off either. I just want this all to go away. I want Dell to realize that there's no shame in being number one, there's no need to be the only one.

It's daunting to job hunt in a new paradigm. I've never been a programmer before. But going back to writing now would feel like a cop out (and a pay cut). I like being a programmer. But selling myself as such feels like even more of a scam than selling myself as a technical writer. I'm still waiting for someone to say, "Wait a minute. You're just a kid. You don't have a degree in this. You've been figuring it out as you go along!" Which would be my greatest skill, but that's hard to fit into a résumé.

Glowering Interviewer: Do you know XML?

Me: No, but if you hum a few bars, I can fake it.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to redefine myself. Again.

Well it's time to freakin' get ready.